A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming" He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature"? Flustered and embarr@$$ed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "my ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid,look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears? Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

A little boy about 10 years old was walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a whorehouse and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said, "No!" He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door! The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

Top 10's
Tthings A man Would never say

10..... I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother****er.
9..... While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8..... I think hairy butts are realy sexy.
7..... Her tits are just too big.
6..... Sometimes I just want to be held.
5..... That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4..... Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
3..... We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping and I can holdyour purse.
2....**** Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1..... I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.

Things A Woman Would never say

10..... Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9..... Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8..... I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7..... Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6..... Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just too cute!
5..... This diamond is way too big!
4..... I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow!
3..... Wow, it really is 14 inches!!
2..... Does this make my butt look too small?
1..... I'm wrong. You must be right again.

Reasons beer is better then women

10...You can have a beer in public.
9...When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer
8...A beer won't get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.
7...You can enjoy a beer all month long.
6...A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
5...You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
4...You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
3...A beer is always wet.
2...A beer always goes down easy.
1...You can share a beer with your friends.

Blonde Inventions

10...The water-proof towel
9...Solar powered flashlight
8...Submarine screen door
7...A book on how to read
6...Inflatable dart board
5...A dictionary index
4...Ejector seat in a helicopter.
5...Powdered water
2...Pedal-powered wheel chair
1...Water-proof tea bag

Children's books never published

10...You Were An Accident.
9...Strangers Have The Best Candy.
8...Attention Deficit Disorder Handbook For Children..Hey Lets Go Play!
7...What Is That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?
6...Daddy's New Girlfriend, Steve.
5...101 Animal Cruelties.
4...Controlling Your Playground Through Fear.
3...Things Rich Kids Have And You Never Will.
2...Garfields Got Feline AIDS.
1...Blackmail The Principal...The Study Guide.

Ways to tell you are fat

10...You dance and make the band skip.
9...You go bungee jumping and go straight to hell.
8...You go to the zoo and elephants throw you peanuts.
7...Your drivers liscense says "Picture continued on other side".
6...You go to a restaraunt and instead of a menu, you get an estimate.
5...You have to use a boomerang to put a belt on.
4...Your family portrait has stretch marks.
3...People have to take three trains and a bus ride to get on your good side.
2...Your nickname is HOLY $HIT!.
1...You get runs in your jeans.

Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

10.... Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school,except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.
9.... Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc... School just sucks.
8.... After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel
like smoking something a whole hell of a lot stronger.
7.... You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6.... Drinking drives people to sex, where as school drives people to drink.
5.... Sex relieves stress. School is the cause of stress.
4.... Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
3.... After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2.... Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still
cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
1.... At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At
school your teachers screw you regardless.

Shortest books

10.... DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9.... DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8.... EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7.... EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6.... ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5.... MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4.... SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3.... THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2.... MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
1.... MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

Amish Paradise
Top Ten Signs Your amish Teenager Is In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't
listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage
cheese.

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the lord said ''because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish''
The man said, ''Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want''.
The Lord said, ''You request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that hind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It would nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me.''
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, ''Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothings wrong', and how I can make her truly happy.''

The lord replied, ''You want two lanes or four on that bridge?''

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you`re gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies. "I`m gonna get tits too."

Holy Soap Dispenser!

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no
soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having
no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a
statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he
drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood....sure enough
he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and
three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then
yells!

"Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"

A man and woman meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go back to the woman's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

Watching him, the woman says, "You must be a dentist."

Surprised, the guy responds, "Yes... how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. Once they're done, the woman says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Well yes, I am a good dentist.
How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send, your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

WARNING!!!!!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

11 RULES NOT CURRENTLY TAUGHT IN OUR SCHOOLS
(BUT SHOULD BE)

RULE #1. LIFE IS NOT FAIR, GET USED TO IT.

RULE #2. THE WORLD WON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM, THE WORLD WILL EXPECT YOU TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING BEFORE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.

RULE #3. YOU WILL NOT MAKE 40 THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR RIGHT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL AND YOU WON’T BE A VICE PRESIDENT WITH A CAR PHONE UNTIL YOU EARN BOTH.

RULE #4. IF YOU THINK YOUR TEACHER IS TOUGH, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET A BOSS. HE DOESN'T’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT TENURE.

RULE #5. FLIPPING BURGERS IS NOT BENEATH YOUR DIGNITY. YOUR GRANDPARENTS HAD A DIFFERENT WORD FOR BURGER FLIPPING. THEY CALLED IT OPPORTUNITY.

RULE #6. IF YOU MESS UP, IT’S NOT YOUR PARENTS FAULT, SO DON’T WHINE ABOUT YOUR MISTAKES, LEARN FROM THEM.

RULE #7. BEFORE YOU WERE BORN, YOUR PARENTS WEREN'T’T AS BORING AS THEY ARE NOW. THEY GOT THAT WAY FROM PAYING YOUR BILLS, CLEANING YOUR CLOTHES AND LISTENING TO YOU TALK ABOUT HOW COOL YOU ARE. SO BEFORE YOU SAVE THE RAIN FOREST FROM THE PARASITES OF YOUR PARENTS GENERATION, TRY DELOUSING THE CLOSET IN YOUR OWN ROOM.

RULE #8. YOUR SCHOOL MAY HAVE DONE AWAY WITH WINNERS AND LOSERS BUT LIFE HAS NOT. IN SOME SCHOOLS THEY HAVE ABOLISHED FAILING GRADES AND THEY’LL GIVE YOU AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT TO GET THE ANSWER RIGHT. THIS DOESN'T’T BEAR THE SLIGHTEST RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING IN THE REAL WORLD.

RULE # 9. LIFE IS NOT DIVIDED INTO SEMESTERS. YOU DON’T GET SUMMERS OFF AND VERY FEW EMPLOYERS ARE INTERESTED IN HELPING YOU FIND YOURSELF. DO THAT ON YOUR OWN TIME!

RULE #10. TELEVISION IS NOT REAL LIFE. IN REAL LIFE PEOPLE ACTUALLY HAVE TO LEAVE THE COFFEE SHOP AND GO TO JOBS.

RULE #11. BE NICE TO NERDS. CHANCES ARE YOU’LL END UP WORKING FOR ONE.

A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wonderfull wife" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, and what was your toast?"

John lied and said,"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that was very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, in twenty years married he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who
is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me
a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her
what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great,
I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking
away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around
with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes
in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him
coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this
fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind
man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

Subject: LADLE

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only
made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I @$$ure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,

I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not
saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has
been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom

Lesson of the Day - Don't lie to your Mom.